A Depressing Truth

Below is a post taken from @GutShotHayes blog, which can be viewed here along with his other posts – https://gutshothayes.wordpress.com/

The reason I wanted to share this here is because I think it has a good message that a lot of aspiring grinders could really benefitCWTHcrosspost from.  Take your time to read and really dig into the message that he’s trying to convey to himself, and hopefully you can find some value in it to help you along in your journey… your journey which you may think you’ve started, but maybe you haven’t.

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“Hello and welcome to my world.

I’m not exactly sure where to begin this. I’ve been sitting here for about an hour thinking of what I want this blog to be what I could make of all of this but I didn’t figure out how to start it. I guess the first thing I should say is my name is Chris. I’m a father, filmmaker, and I want to put poker player but I’m not sure I can just yet. The reason for that I’ll get into in just a minute. First and for most I am a father to a wonderful amazing 6 year old son named Patrick. Patrick’s mother and I have been divorced for almost 4 years we share custody but I mostly see him on weekends and special occasions. While it’s not an ideal situation I try to make the most of it. I don’t want to mention the fact that Patrick has been diagnosed as autistic because I don’t want people to see him that way. He is a fun loving kid who loves race cars and Mario.

I also mentioned that I’m a filmmaker which is broad umbrella to which I put myself under. The truth is I would love to be one of the great auteurs of all times. I have the potential and the ideas. The problem is my work ethic. I haven’t honestly put the effort in that I should. I use the excuse of my son and wanting to be close to him keep me from pursuing the “goals” I’ve set for myself. Truth is I haven’t set goals I kinda just take things as they come. I have an incredible ability to see big pictures and come up with amazing ideas or how things should go but I lack the motivation to pursue any of it. As my dad would say I am a huge waste of talent and potential. What makes it worse is I know it’s there, I know it’s holding me back and I do nothing to fix it. One of the main reasons I started writing this so I can hold myself accountable for the things I’m holding myself back from.

Earlier I said I wasn’t sure I would list poker player as a part of who I am because to be honest I’m not so sure now. The main reason for this blog is hold myself accountable for my life. Poker has been a main part of that but lately it seems to be more frustrating then ever. The thought of quitting was starting to cross my mind. That is until I had a conversation with a friend of mine, John Gonzales. Now some in the poker community may know John, he’s a coach on Pocketfives.com he runs his own site which has some amazing material, BetonDrew.com (Check it out you won’t regret it). So I say John is a friend, we’ve only met a couple of times maybe, we have talked online and through texts the past three years a lot about poker and a lot about life. Today we had probably one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time with anyone. What started as me fishing for some information on what type of player I was based in some information from a new HUD (Heads Up Display for those who don’t now). I was looking for advice on how to plug the leaks that were costing me money and just frustrating the hell out of me. I shared my thoughts with him about quitting and his response was just perfect and so depressing. All he said was how can you quit something you’ve never started. At first I was a bit confused I’ve been playing for 10 years thought I was being more serious about the past 4 years. Or at least I thought I was being more serious. Playing more or all the time isn’t really taking poker more serious. Yes I gain the experience of playing, I’m putting in volume, seeing tons of hands and situations but I wasn’t changing the way I was playing. I’m not the same player I was 10 years ago but I’m not sure if I was a better player than I was then. I don’t take the time to read as much as I should, to study the game, understand the changes in the game. I just play and I play a lot. I play tournaments, sit n go’s, ring games, jackpot games (spin and goes for the players lucky enough to play on Stars), I play 9 handed, 6 handed, head up, whatever it was if I could play it I would. But doing all of that what has it gotten me, what do I have to show for it. Not a damn thing. Lost friends, in debt to friends, a failed marriage (not main reason but didn’t help the situation) and a blurry future. I say blurry because I know it’s going to happen regardless, but I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know where I want to go and I’m not exactly sure which way I’m facing. I get it there are tons of people like me in the poker community I’m going to play I’m going to win a big tournament and it’s going to change everything. Well I’ve had to learn this the hard way it doesn’t work that way. The simple truth is you get out what you put in. A very simple but hard lesson I’m learning now.

Back to the conversation I had with John, he asked me another thing that kinda bothered. He asked if I could stand in a room with my peers and talk poker, explain and teach and be confidant. I honestly can’t. I might be able to talk one on one with some and talk a situation but could I be confidant whether my opinion made sense. No not all. That brings us to this blog and the accountability I want to hold myself to. I want to share with you my thoughts and my progression as I take this game serious. I want to be able to discuss and have an open conversation with my peers and find the confidence to have confidence with in myself. I want to be able to quit this game one day. I look forward to whatever future arises from these thoughts.”

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If you are reading this and it’s really hitting home, then please don’t let this knock you off your horse.  Realize that this is an awakening and an opportunity for you to hopefully capitalize on and change the course of your poker future.  This is also very applicable to your real life as well… we think we are doing what we need to do in order to be successful, but so often in our Jobs/hobbies/relationships we just aren’t doing enough.  So I’d suggest after reading this to take a couple steps back, look at your life from the big picture, and just ask yourself – “Am I putting forth the effort necessary to get the results I want?”   

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